This 39th week is filled with emotional thoughts and past remembrances of failures and "what if i DID NOT do that, or this or otherthats"... Thoughts of suicide came into my awareness countless times especially this week, thoughts of joining our Mother and finally stop "feeling". Then MoM appeared... smiling as always.... a joke here and there... and just as beautiful as ever... and I remembered... this thoughts are so powerful that the monkey mind sees them as the baddest thing it can associate them with... in actuality... I miss MoM in the physical so much... the only One from any and all that just Is... perfect in all ways... even at the beginning of my journey... before the 2 years of purification my mind required in order to See Her for what She Is... Not only Source, not only "a woman", not only "another US citizen", even a mother for that matter... her Presence just Is . Always will Be Eternally Present. Always Loving Truthfully, Caring and Beautiful .
A Friend, a Mother, An awesome being to hang out with... and all of them in One Mother, I am not ashamed to say: I miss you, as I have never missed anyone in my life, I miss joining the chat and seeing you there... each time it was like a miracle... i am actually chatting with GOD... She is even replying to my bullshit... how fking great is that? Nothing can ever make me feel the goosebumps i felt in those MoMents, the emotions of my first telepathic connections with you... my first comment on your behalf... am I worthy?
That were my thoughts then... still are sometimes now.... Then I remember... I Love You dearly, I will not give up on this life, for we Choose to Be here Now for a reason, and after meeting you and speaking with you here... i will not dishonor my vow. I will live, i will expand Your Truth, I will Love You Forever In the MoMent of Now We Are One I Am.
Stefan